bad day

Yesterday I started writing the would-be-nice-if-I-do-it-weekly blog post over at Back of the Napkin, my work/handcrafts/back of the napkin focused blog. In doing so I stumbled upon/remembered the website I put together back in 2020 for the woodworking I was doing at the time.

Coming across this site again, with all of the various rabbit holes, was bitter-sweet. I've been poking around since remembering it, watching some of the videos (like this one), and overall feeling quite shitty while doing so.

Bitter in that I remember very strongly that time of life. It was 2020, everything was locked down, it was the most jolting year of our lives. My marriage was on the verge of crumbling entirely, but Mozzie was a bright spot. He was at that perfect age of still thinking Dad was awesome, still loved to read books (and have books read to him), still had that sweet 7-year-old heart.

Also at this time, despite the dumpster fire inside and outside of home, I was personally feeling the most settled. My beard was nearing 18-months of untamed growth. My body, mind, and spirit finally felt at home somewhere (with handcrafts), and I didn't have any debt (other than the mortgage and student loans, still substantial, don't get me wrong, but "acceptable" debts to have). Life was as good as it could be. But really, the handcraft end of things, in tandem with Mozzie being 7, made that year my best year.

Bitter in that while all of this good was happening internally, externally there was so much going on with my marriage that was outside of my control. She hated me. I don't think I have written very transparently about this period of time, other than in my journals, but I think it is inevitable that eventually I'm going to let more and more out. I need to talk to a therapist, that much is certain. She hated who I was, who I had been, who I was becoming. Sure, I had my faults, committed my sins in the past that were never forgotten or forgiven, but overall I was a nice guy. A solid dad, trying to be at least, and a faithful and committed husband. A provider for my family.

Bitter in that I thought everything would eventually be worked out, we'd get back to "normal", but looking back on it now, bitter that I was so naive.

Sweet in that who I became then, through my discovery of handcrafts, is mostly who I remain today. Sweet in that that discovery was meant to happen when it did, meant to transform me in the way it did, and has lasted through nothing but stormy seas since.

So that has been haunting me. 

And then today I got a preview of what is inevitable with my relationship with Lindsay. We've got a super strong co-parenting thing going, and that's good. Dating though, neither of us have started down that path yet. Our divorce is nearly 2-years at this point, and I just don't know when I'd have the time to give to that endeavor, yet alone to whoever may want to get into a dating relationship with this mess of a human. 

I digress. Yesterday, last night, she was out with someone on what probably wasn't setup as a date, but has since come across as a date...with a friend of mine. It hit me like a hammer to the head this morning and I haven't recovered since. And I know this is only the beginning, and that it is inevitable for both of us. But man...seriously caught me off guard. 

So, between the two, feeling very down today. And don't really have a conclusion other than to just leave it here for now. 

🤙 Aaron