peace and quiet
Regarding the no-stress mindset that I've successfully maintained now
for the past few weeks...I don't know, but man it is wonderful.
I just don't care.
That's an incomplete thought.
Of course I care about my family, friends, and so on. I care about relationships. I don't care about anything else. I don't care what strangers think or say or do (politicians being a part of this category, celebrities, the Internet, etc). I care about doing my best work and I do my best work every day, it is a part of my process and a part of how I was made. I don't care, really, how my work is then perceived, good or bad. I did my best work and that's all that I care about. I don't care if I stay up too late working on an idea. I don't care if I sleep in later than usual so that I still get the amount of sleep I need. I've stopped beating myself up for things like that. They aren't the norm, so just relax when it happens.
When my dad said the things he said last weekend, while hurtful, I
don't really care what he says or thinks or does. I love him as my dad,
I respect him as my dad, I care about the relationship we don't have and
do want to see it improve, but I'm not going to stress about seeking his
approval or his time. If he can't or doesn't want to, all good. "Is what
it is."
I feel much less chaotic now, at this very moment, than I have
felt in the past 15 or so years my entire life. Part of this
is aging, growing, maturing (processes that cannot be rushed, they have
to happen on their own time). Part of this is learning to accept things
for what they are, not forcing square pegs into round holes.
Understanding just how little control we have.
In my mind there is quiet. I am able to think clearly. I am able
to ponder. I am able to be present. I am able to engage. Writing is
coming back and I'm curious if it will be different than before, or if
it will be the same. Writing has always been my solace, where I can
escape, and so maybe it will maintain the tone, the style, the voice
that I have developed through the years. Or maybe it will be different.
Time will tell.
I do also realize that a large factor in this recent state of mind
is the result of where I live and work. The apartment that I was in did
terrible things to my mind, kept me in a very chaotic state for three
years. There was no break from work, no break from noise, no break from
conflict, from chaos. There was no nature, no deer wandering in my yard,
no birds chirping in the morning, no chipmunks, squirrels, rabbits, no
trees and hardly any grass.
And now, with where I am living and working at the moment, I am
back to living with nature again. There is separation between work and
the rest of life. It is possible to keep a space clean, free of clutter,
organized, peaceful. There is a deck for me to use outside, where I put
a table and chairs. I sit out here and write each morning, drinking my
coffee, listening to the wildlife in the trees that surround me. I have
space here for feeders and bird baths, which I look forward to having
soon.
With work, my business, my art, my craft, I am learning where it
makes sense to focus, how it makes sense to work, and what makes sense
for the future and how I want to live and work. I am learning, or
remembering, what I want in life and out of life, and work plays a large
part in making these goals happen. Previously I did not know how work
towards the life I wanted, but now I have a fairly solid idea of how to
do so, and a big part of this was understanding where to focus.
Understanding what I'm good at, where my skills are best utilized, and
then not worrying about anything else.
I am not worried about tomorrow, or the next day, or any part of
the future. I will focus on the present, I will do my best in whatever
it is I am doing, and the rest can take care of itself.
Have a great Thursday!
~ Aaron