splinched

Haven’t felt like this in a while. And a bit of an apology in advance as this is more of a sad how-I’m-feeling-in-the-moment post, more negative in nature, and so too was part of the previous post. I don’t want you to think I’m constantly negative, I’m not. But writing is my reaction to some of the sad things, either that or pouring a drink at 3pm which I’d prefer to avoid doing. And so I’m going to make coffee instead and write about this stuff. 

We’ve been divorced now for nearly 2 years. Separated for a year before that. And on very rough footing for essentially our entire marriage up to that point. The outcome was inevitable. 

The separation was terrible, I hated every moment of it. I have never felt so torn, physically, in my life. The only way I can describe it is by referencing the scene in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 when Harry, Ron, and Hermione use the Floo Network to escape a bad situation at the Ministry of Magic, and in doing so Ron’s skin is torn (“splinched”). Imagining how that must feel, his pain, Hermione’s reaction, all of it, that is how I felt for our entire separation. 

Signing the divorce papers after she had already done so opened the wound again. Maybe it had started to partially scab over, maybe not. I suspect not. Either way, signing things put me back down again. 

But then over the last two years a lot of good has happened with our relationship. We will never be married again, will never have that type of relationship again, but have entered a relationship where we are better friends to each other than we were as spouses. This is all good, I think. But some days I do have the feeling that the wound may never heal for as long as we are in this very amicable state with each other. 

We are around each other a lot. We do a lot of family things together, we take trips together, we have most dinners together, we take family walks in the evenings. It all seems good, it all feels fine, but then I am reminded of how broken it all really is. 

I’m especially reminded of this when I leave her house (which used to be our hours) after kissing him good night. That will always sting. I’m also reminded of it on afternoons like today’s, where he leaves my house with her mid-afternoon and I likely won’t see him again until tomorrow evening. I hate seeing him walk away. 

When they are here I feel full. When he is here for the long weekends, usually for 3 nights, I feel full. I love having him here. I love spending time with him. I love living life with him. 

But then when we have to go our separate ways I am reminded all over again of this wound. And it makes my heart hurt. I feel that splinched feeling all over again.

Not sure what to do with any of this other than to put the words here. 

Coffee with Aaron = Real Life Stuff 🙂